But I might fail.
But I might drown.
But I can't.
It's just my brain. I am a fearful & fairly cautious person. I've tried to pinpoint when or why I became this way, but I always come to the conclusion that maybe it's just my Type-A personality. I'm OCD, I like to be in control, I like to know plans and outcomes. When I don't know these things, I fret. A lot. And all those little frets, together they become fears.
When I was a kid, my parents put me in swim classes. Y'all know the ones with the rings at the bottom of the pool that you have to dive down and pick out? Yep. I did those. I learned how to hold my breath underwater and how to swim. But over time, without using my skills very much, I started to grow afraid of the water. When Amir and I went on our honeymoon cruise, Amir excitedly told me that he had booked us for some snorkeling adventures. I just remember my overwhelmed and absolutely terrified expression. "Wait. Uh snorkeling? Like in the water? Ummmm....okay, cool." And then "Actually babe, I'm really afraid of deep water." Yep. Did I mention that I had never told Amir about that fear? Haha.
Well, I sucked it up & went snorkeling and I loved it. I had so much fun once I got comfortable with it. But I still held onto a fear. I didn't like going underwater when I couldn't see exactly what was around me. The deep ocean scares me out of my wits. Fast forward 2013 & some of our good friends and Amir were going to do a scuba diving certification class. I was so afraid at just the prospect of it that I excused myself and willingly decided not to pursue the class. Through outside circumstances and our moving to the Philippines, Amir was also unable to do that class. So obviously, when we got to Manila, Amir was all about the scuba classes. Reluctantly and with lots of fear in my heart, I signed up too.
Then yesterday, we went to the pool. As Amir was helping me with the basics again, he said to me "but I want to break your fear." And that was exactly what I needed to hear.
I need to break these fears that cripple me to a standstill. I need to face them head on and get over it.
So starting today, I am going to make some efforts to NOT let the fear win. You know those CPA exams I'm studying for? Well, I WILL pass them. Not maybe pass. But I will. I will study hard, give it my 100% and I will become a CPA.
Those scuba classes and open water dives we have coming up? I WILL learn about them and I WILL go to the pool and work on my skills. I will get scuba certified.
I want to be fearless and so I will be.